The placement of Q-tipping one's ear in the same article that also warns against combining alcohol and power tools leads me to suspect that my mother is a secret contibuting writer to Consumer Reports. Or more likely your mother, since my mother loved digging deep into the recesses of what could of been my brain in her unsated quest to remove ear wax. And this site mentions that doctors warn against sticking any object smaller than your elbow into your ear, including cotton swabs.

And I say why for shit's sake would you want to put anything in your ear larger than your elbow? An elbow, even someone else's, is not effective at removing ear wax. However, your elbow is fantasitc at allowing your arm to bend so you can reach up with that fluffy little white swab so you can jam it right in that canal and dig all that yellow, goopy crap out of your ears while gently massaging the inner ear canal, generating a warm, fuzzy feeling in my brain similar to that of sitting in a hot bath and sipping 16-year old Scotch. Since I'm here, pass me a power saw.

"Stealers" Strike Again!

Like Chicago and the Mob, the Pittsburgh "Stealers" just can't distance themselves from those shady refs.

And although this year's Super Bowl was exciting, like in the 2006 Super Bowl, Pittsburgh decided they needed a little help from their friends...

Micro$oft makes people cry

Microsoft apparently forgot any lessons learned from the whole not-so-long ago "Y2K" panic and created a new (stupidly dubbed) Z2K panic by having the Zune's programmers forget about existance of leap years.

Users of the 30GB model began reporting problems on a Microsoft message board early Wednesday. Customers similarly are saying that their digital music players get stuck on the Zune logo screen as it appears to load, and efforts to unjam the device are mostly fruitless.

Emotions were running high on the Zune message board as some users said they were about to cry and others went so far as to say they might even die without their player.

[Microsoft's response states that] the internal clocks on what is known as the Zune 30 should reset at noon GMT on Thursday. After that, 30-gigabyte Zune users should follow these three steps:

1. 1. Let the battery die.
2. 2. Recharge it.
3. 3. Turn the device on.

Unfortunately, in their rush to respond to their panicked, bawling customers, Micro$oft failed to mention the fourth step:

• 4. Throw your Zune away and go out and buy a music player that doesn't look and act like a piece of shit.

Tom and Gisele not engaged...

The Boston Herald reported that the couple strolled down Bean Town's Beacon Street on Friday – and that Bündchen, 28, was without an engagement ring.

There is no effing way these two aren't getting married. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in the four years plus that it's taken me to actively not get married (which apparently is about to change a bit sooner than I had planned)...but I bet you one single dollar that these two end up at the altar at some point.

AHHH! The Gays are starting to look alike!

Jeebus! When did Melissa Ethridge start looking like a cross between Clay Aiken and Hilary Clinton?!?

Oh, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a twit.

Shocking precisely no one...

Elephants live longer in wild than zoos

"Researchers compared the life spans of elephants in European zoos with those living in Amboseli National Park in Kenya and others working on a timber enterprise in Myanmar. Animals in the wild or in natural working conditions had life spans twice that or more of their relatives in zoos."

Duh. Besides man, what animal would be dumb enough to attack another animal five times its size? I think elephants feel pretty safe out there on the plains of Africa. It's time to get rid of elephant displays at the zoo.

In fact, it's time to get rid of zoos, period.

Jeebus Joe, get over yourself already

Joe the Plumber is "angry" that McCain backed the bank bailout, just in time for his book release!

"Wurzelbacher, who endorsed McCain a week before the election and joined him on the campaign trail, didn't say exactly what set him off, hinting that would be in his book that is due out this month."

Joe, seriously. 15 minutes, man. That's all you get. I'm now pushing for Britany Spears to get more media coverage on how much she loves her kids now that her new album is out.

Ticketing the Sheep...

This is the best thing since Obama was elected. I love it.

"Some states didn't allow left-lane lingering but didn't enforce the law. Now they are. At the start of the summer, the Washington State Patrol began pulling people over for violating the state's left-lane law, which prohibits 'impeding the flow of other traffic'."

Red Sox buy Frodo for $40M

Per the article:

"At 25, Pedroia sacrificed — actually, postponed — the chance for a free agent jackpot for an average annual salary of around $7 million and the chance to stay with the organization that picked him in the second round of the 2004 draft. He would be 32 when the contract expires, if the Red Sox pick up the option.

'I understood all that stuff. I understood that if I went year-to-year I probably would have made more money. But I'm in a place that I love,' Pedroia said. 'My first thought was, 'I play for the best team. Who wouldn't want to play for the Boston Red Sox? We're going to have a chance to win every year.' ... It fits.'"

And this, dear readers, is why Frodo is better than Johnny "Go Fuck Yourself" Damon, despite his (former) flowing locks and stallion thighs. There's something super-sexy about loyalty and integrity. But even such, you've only moved up to my number two. Veritek may suck ass right now, but he's still effing hot.

Bush is an idiot. Repeat.

From an aricle in MSNBC today:

President Bush, for his part, promised Thursday to pave the way for a smooth transition by meeting with Obama at the White House on Monday.

'This peaceful transfer of power is one of the hallmarks of our democracy,' Bush said Thursday, while warning the United States would be vigilant against any attempts by enemies to take advantage of the country during its period of transition.

Yes Bush, *I'm so sure* that those terrorists are going to spot our "moment of weakness" and bomb the shit out of us AFTER you leave office. In fact, the ONLY REASON they haven't attacked us after 9/11 is because the saw what a big, tough, shit-kickin' cowboy you are and are cowering in their caves for fear that the US will go medevil on thier ass.

Bush, you dumb-fuck, the terroists got what they wanted. They complete and fucking totally disintigration of our infrastructure. In fact, they thank you for playing your part. Did you get your fruit basket, yet?

Training: Run Strong and Long!

Do any of these workouts in place of regular speedwork once every two or three weeks during a training cycle.

Workout: 14 x 200m
Interval Pace: 5-7 seconds slower than all-out pace
Recovery Pace: 200 jog at 3x slower than interval time

Workout: 10 x 300m
Interval Pace: 7-10 seconds slower than all-out pace
Recovery Pace: 300 jog at 3x slower than interval time

Workout: 8 x 400m
Interval Pace: 10-15 seconds slower than all-out pace
Recovery Pace: 400 jog at 3x slower than interval time

"Race" for the Cure. Sort of.

The Komen gang finally added a chip timed 5K to thier crazy number of other 5k's.

Seriously folks, how many effin 5K's do you need in ONE event? I know it's a ridiculously well-attended event, but so is the Shamrock, and they keep their popular 8K event to three start heats. The Portland Marathon is no tiny event either, but they manage ONE start, runners up front, walkers in back.

And fer chrissakes, most every other major race has day-of-race registration AND chip timing. If they're charging an extra $10 per person, and they have to hire a company that specializes in chip timing anyway, there's no reason NOT to do chip timing with day-of-race registration.

So dear Komen race director, become useful for actual racers and chip time the co-ed race with a cost of $30 for pre-registration and $35 for day-of-race. Everyone else can register for the eleventy billion other events you have. The end.

PS. To all those elitists who say that chip timed events aren't "real" races, you can suck it.

Tom Brady injured, out for season...

Rob has commissioned me to kill (KC Chiefs safety and beantown's newest most-hated) Bernard Pollard.

Just kidding. Rob just wants me to maim him. You know...hold him down, cut him a little, make him scream "I'm Brady's bitch!" over and over again until he wets himself crying.

Just kidding again. The reality is that I'm trying to figure out a way to keep Rob himself from jumping off the ledge. I'm short on ideas, other than going the ol' booze and hot sex route.

Personally, I don't think Brady getting injured is that bad.

Think about it. Brady finished last season with the most mind-blowing, epic loss EVAR. Frankly, the guy could use a season off. Brady probably doesn't think so, the Patriots probably don't think so, Rob certainly doesn't think so, but trust, I think this happened for a reason. Who wants to play every game this season with that one damn game mentioned before, during and after every win or loss? Brady will rehab the injury, distance himself from last season and be completely reenergized and refocused next season.

And as an added bonus, he gets Gisele "talk-about-mind-blowingly-epic" Bündchen as his nursemaid. Although, once he's mobile again, he'll be rehabbing his knee back in his off-season role as Gisele's pool boy slash errand boy.
________

Update: Our friend Mitch reminded me that it might actually be FUN again to root for the Patriots in thier new underdog role now that no none will think Patriots have a shot at anything. I think he said some other stuff about the collapse of his Brady-led fantasy football team, but I was too busy fantasizing about being Gisele's pool boy.

It's not about me, it's about YOU...

This just about sums up my entire reason why I'm voting for Obama come November.

My heart will break into a million tiny peices if Obama isn't elected in November. Pictures of John and Cindy McCain make my stomach turn. Just look at them. I don't want those two (plus that moo-cow Palin) to be the face of America.

If we as Americans fall to these deep, dark depths and still can't vote our country into a more positive direction, well...then God help us that we'll be able get back on our feet, moving in the right direction and recover any sense of dignity in the eyes of the world after the McCain era is over.

Victoria Dragon Boat Festival - now with video!

This is the Platinum A Division finals in the Victoria Dragon Boat Festival last weekend.

The Portland Fire Dragons are in boat 5. You can't really see me, I'm in the 4th bench from front, right hand side.

As you can see, our start was amazing. When we're "on", we really rock the starts. But it’s obvious to me now after watching the video that we were at the slower rate for too long. If you watch Gorging Dragons (boat 3) and Edgewater (boat 2), they switched to the faster rate long before we did. At about :34 you get a clear shot of Edgewater's stroke rate, then it immediately pans to PFD, who's at a much slower rate)

Also, our timing wasn't as precise as it could have been, if you watch Edgewater's stroke closely, you can see their timing is precise and they are reaching waaaaaay out front for a enviably powerful stroke.

Just something more to strive for!

Victoria Dragon Boat Festival - Part 1 - Race Business

Lets take care of the business side of this past race weekend first.

In the Victoria Dragon Boat Festival, there are nine Divisions, beginning with Crystal and working up to Platinum. Each division has an "A" or a "B" subdivision ("A" being the higher ranked).

Portland Fire Dragons were one of the final five teams and raced in the last heat (72) of the day. We placed 5th, Platinum A Division, and 5th place overall. Only the top-3 teams get medals, so we didn't get a medal, but this is the best we've ever done at this race as a team (beating last year's team record for this event which was 3rd, Platinum B Division, 8th place overall).

Here's the full results for Heat 72, Platinum A Division:

1st- Gold Medal - Edgewater Casino Without Warning (Vancouver, BC). Time: 2:02.20 (This was a sleeper team, for sure. We'd never heard of them, and they were in the tent space right next to us all weekend and we didn't even know it until after the race. Silent, but deadly!)

2nd- Silver Medal - Gorging Dragons (Victoria, BC). Time: 2:03.07 (They'd been posting amazing times the entire weekend, including the weekend's only sub-two minute race (1:59.64) in the second round. What an upset.)

3rd - Bronze Medal - Navy Dragon Anchors (Victoria, BC). Time: 2:03.54 (Only 1 and a half seconds behind NAVY! Better watch your back next year, bitches!)

4th - Sudden Impact Black (Cultus Lake, BC). Time: 2:04.34 (Someone on this team mentioned to our team that the back of their boat started to really lose it once we got up on them at the end of the race. It feels pretty good to know we can intmindate even some of these elite teams.)

5th - Portland Fire Dragons (Portland, OR). Time: 2:04.94 (The times between all of us were so.damn.close. This must have been an amazing race to watch. Even though we finished last, we competed against the best of the best at this race. Pretty proud of myself, my team and my coach! Go Fire!)

Full Results

Other Portland teams represented us well, too! Check it out:

Anniemaniacs (5th, Platinum B Division, 10th place overall)
Zamboanga (1st, Diamond A Division, 11th place overall)
Hampton Woods (3rd, Jade A Division, 23rd place overall)
Castaways (1st, Jade B Division, 26th place overall)
Shibumi (1st, Gold B Division, 36th place overall)
Stumptown (4th, Gold B Division, 39th place overall)
Wicked Paddling Club (5th, Silver A Division, 45th place overall)
OWLS -Oregon Women Lawyers- Dragonflies (4th, Bronze A Divison, 54th place overall)
Wasabi Gang Green (1st, Pearl A Division, 61st place overall)
Freedom Dragons International (2nd, Pearl A Division, 62st place overall)
Mighty Women Paddling Club (4th, Amethyst B Division, 78th place overall)

Come check out the Portland Fire Dragons ('cause we're hot!) and these other Portland teams at this year's Portland Dragon Boat Races, September 6 & 7th, at Waterfront Park (at the same place we do the Rose Festival Dragon Boat races, only we don't race the big boats, we race the skinny boats).

If you need extra incentive to show up, the NAVY Dragon Anchors (obviously because they crave an ass-whoopin' from the Fire Dragons) and the Bastion Dragons will be down from Victoria to compete in the Portland races.

There's no cost, so get down to the river, check us out and cheer us on!

FIRE POWER!

(next post: Part 2 - The Debauchery)

Would you like a shmoke und a pancake?

"Tony Stewart has hired fellow Indiana native (and fellow fattie) Ryan Newman to drive the second car for his new team next season."

In addition to sponsors Office Depot and Old Spice will be Burger King, Little Debbie Snack cakes and Crisco.

When not qualifying or racing, fans can listen to the two of them on their satillite radio show, eating Whoppers and telling all the other racers, officials, sponsors, track management and even NASCAR itself about how stupid they are.

Zap!

Don't tell Rob about this......he'd be the first person to sign me up!

Do ya think I'm sexy...

This has made it into my wardrobe (the dress, not the woman...although this woman in my wardrobe would be amazing, too).

Crazy effing hotness. The designer lives in Hillsboro, and she sold me an unworn one in my size for a steal.

Giddy! :-D

My oven is pre-heating...

This pic on Threadless makes my womb ache. Seriously. Look how cute she is. Look at those perfectly kissable tiny feets. She gets to be dressed in cool, witty T-shirts.

Is it so wrong to want to have a baby just so she (ok ok, or he) can experience the joy of having such AWESOME parents?

Hell, it's why these two have babies.

Hmmm, and I'm pretty sure I'm still in the knockupable range right now ;-)

Just kidding. Sorta. (sigh)

Other than that ridiculously cute baby pic, this is the best thing I've seen on Threadless in months. It may not seem like much on the surface, but wait for the image to change. See? Totally kick-ass.

Ranting Waiter Revealed!

He's been outed, as has the restaurant where he worked.

He's been guest blogging for Powells Books.

He was even on the "Today" show.

He's the Waiter Rant guy!

His blog is one of those few rare gems - funny, entertaining, well-written (I can't imagine he didn't have an editor, but who knows?). His posts totally sucked me in.

He's been blogging about his book seemingly forever (check out the UK cover!), and now that it's out and he's out, I'm just sorta smiling wistfully at the prospect of his, and his blog's, reinvention. His recent posting has been slim and mostly relegated to promotional appearances, but I don't think he'll be able to get away from the industry so easily.

I'm prophetizing that he goes on to do some food critic stuff, or maybe a food service critic at notable high-end restaurants across the country. Maybe doing some international travel, then blogging about food service-related topics in different countries and cultures. Guess like every one else (and apparently even himself), I'll just have to wait (no pun intended) and see!

Amtrak train kills teen

I was on this train, Amtrak 516, Portland to Bellingham, yesterday. So I'm gonna post (ok ok, rant...) about this article and a little about the incident itself.

From the article:"Passengers aboard the train were not even aware of what had happened."

Totally untrue. I felt a thump, and we immediately began to slow to a stop. As the train is just about stopped, the conductor announces "Centralia" over the speakers as if we were arriving at the platform. In retrospect this was likely done by the conductor in a complete state of shock since we were still a mile away from Centralia's passenger platform.

Then we saw the conductor and someone else running fast back to the rear of the train. We sat there for a bit. A police car arrived. An announcement was made shortly after the impact that we had hit a pedestrian.

I had the window seat, and the old man sitting next to me kept fidgeting and looking as to how to lean over me to try to gawk out the window. No way am I gonna let this guy invade my personal space just to rubberneck at some potentially gory scene. He finally just lunged across my lap straining to see towards the back of the train, for which he got a snort and my icy glare of hate. He didn't do it again, and eventually wandered the car a bit.

We got updates about every 10-15 minutes, mostly with "we're still waiting for investigators to finish before we can be cleared to leave" message. About an hour in, we were informed that the coroner had arrived, so at that point, any passengers that were "not even aware of what had happened" probably numbered about, oh lets say, zero. (This story is slightly more accurate in terms of the people on the train.)

Word had obviously spread at that point as townsfolk began arriving at the scene. Some holding their foreheads, some standing agape with their hands over their mouths.

The things we did not know is the age or gender of the pedestrian, that there was a bicycle involved or the circumstances of how they had gotten into the path of the train. Knowing what I know now, I suspect the bicycle was the thump I heard and felt, since I was in the second to the last car.

There were media camera crews waiting on the platform in Seattle to interview passengers from the first and second cars coming off the train. I'm happy to just be off the train at this point. Rob was supposed to pick me up at the station in Seattle so I could hang out at the dress rehearsal for tonight's Mahler Festival concert, but obviously that didn't happen. I figured I would just walk the five miles from King Street Station to UW thnking it shouldn't take that long. Wrong wrong wrong. The route to walk it is 4 miles of uphill and one mile of flat or downhill. I got there at 10pm, just as dress rehearsal finshed and Rob was calling me to find out where I was. sigh.

Another gem from the article: Many neighbors say it is time for the railroad to lower the speed limit of trains passing through the residential area, so that no one else has to die there.

No disrespect to the kid or his family, I feel bad for them. But to these neighbors? Give me a fucking break. He both saw and heard the train, he tried to beat the train and he lost. I'm sick and tired of people blaming or expecting other people to do something when shit happens. How about some personal fucking accoutability? This kid exercised poor judgement, suffering the delusion (sadly like most teenagers do) that he was invincible and that death only happens to other people. But you just can't protect everyone from themselves. You can't save everyone.

Obama hearts terrorists

"Republican John McCain's campaign spokesman, Tucker Bonds, agreed that the [satirical New Yorker] cover was tasteless and offensive...and completely in line with how we Republicans picture an Obama-fronted oval office.'"

Ahem. I may have inferred that last little part.

Besides, the real story today is Republican support of raping the earth to "ease market tensions" against oil prices.

Because yeah, that's TOTALLY going to work.

And while we're busy spending BILLIONS drilling the shit out of the earth's most beautiful and pristine environmental areas, we can continue to spend ZILLIONS of dollars to the middle east oil suppliers (whom I'm sure do NOT know any terrorists or funnel any money to terrorist groups), so we can continue driving our SUV's to the grocery store.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hankerin' to go club baby seals.

Happy iPhone Day

From Rob via email this morning...Happy anniversary. Oh, and I bought myself a new iPhone.

(This is the condensed version. The "anniversary" part is not condensed, just the iPhone part.)

Um, hooray...?

And yes, he then complained to me about having to wait (along with eleventy billion others who bought the newly released version on the first day) to have the phone activated because the AT&T servers were overloaded.

Some days are harder than others to sympathize with your man's "problems". :-)

Tony Stewart is jumping ship...

...and is now half owner of the troubled Haas-CNC team to form Stewart-Haas Racing.

I got exited about the rumors that Office Depot would move with him to the new team, but it turns out Gibbs is a tough mother effer and allegedly would only let Tony out of his contract if Office Depot sponsorship and the #20 remained with the Gibbs team.

In other words, like Dale, Jr., he can have his freedom, but he loses his identity.

And yes, that means us hard core Stewart fans need to buy all new gear next season, and suffer with the humiliation of wearing it while Tony struggles that first year to get that team to "click".

Well, maaaaybe the first year...god forbid he suffer "Michael Waltrip syndrome". Shudder.

Update: Fuck. Zippy isn't going with him either. Did everyone at Gibbs Racing also get to kick Tony squar in the nuts? Sheesh.

Obama wants to (kinda) kill rapists...

Obama is the best candidate I've seen in basically, ever, that can talk about issues out of both sides of his ass in order to prevent people on either side from pigeonholing him into being defensive over his remarks later.

If he outright agreed with the ruling to ban capital punishment for raping children, hard-core conservatives would lash at him for being "soft on crime" (a stigma which always, always, always hurts a candidate regardless of the elected official's actual stance and/or voting record on crime).

By mildly disagreeing with the ruling, then making qualifying remarks surrounding that disagreement, he basically says, "I don't want to get crucified pre-election over this non-priority issue, and the judicial system already makes it stupid hard to actually carry out death sentences, so can't we just use some fucking common sense when handing out that level of judgement and let the judicial system do its job?"

Ok ok. I might be projecting my own opinion on Obama. But I'm sure he would totally agree with me.

:-D

Celtics double-hex anti-jinx

Ok, serioulsy. Mr. Kriegel, what do you have against Boston?

You KNOW that when you title your little opinion piece,"Boston may have just put Finals away" and write stuff like, "The Lakers hadn't merely given up a lead (a record-breaking 24-point lead at that). They had lost the series. You could not help but think that. No team has ever won the NBA championship after falling behind 3-1 in the Finals." that you invoke the wrath of the gods who unleash a tidal wave of hexes, curses and other unpleasantries against Boston. You know this like you know the sun will rise tomorrow.

And as it stands now, Rob STILL has deep, agonized, pained, heart-breaking facial expressions at the mere mention of the words "Patriots" or "Tom Brady". And I'm clueless as to what ritual I need to perform on his Tom Brady jersey to remove what is obviously ALL THE BLAME for the Patriots choking what would have unquestioningly been the greatest football season of all time.

So if the Celtics keep performing this gut-wrenchingly hot and cold, then end up losing the Series in some catastrophic fashion, I may be on the 24-hour Rob suicide watch.

Look, it's hard being the other half to a Boston sports fan. Could you cut a girl some slack and go write some sloppy, ass-kissing, Kobe-reach-around peice about how the Lakers are going to make a glorious comeback? Please?

Update: Celtics won. Thank god. Now I can go back to not giving a shit about basketball.

Mount Rainier tragedy

This is why my mommy isn't going to let me climb Mt. Hood.

I mean, I'm going to anyway, but...

Will someone please buy my SUV?

Um, yeah....no. We, unlike you, aren't stupid. Now you can just take it up the A and consider it the enviroment's sweet sweet revenge.

Sarah Shawn Evangeline?...Hrm

Evangeline Lilly was recently asked, "What's on your mp3 player?"

Her answer?

"Oh, lots and lots of good stuff. Recently I've been getting into Bjork. I love Eisley. I love Radiohead. I'm a big fan of Damien Rice, the Postal Service. I stay true to my Canadian roots -- Sarah McLachlan is one of my favorite artists of all time."

You totally had me tonguing your ear talking about Radiohead and Bjork. Then you mention Sarah and we start careening wildly off the freeway. Seriously. Now because you like Sarah McLachlan and you're a screaming hot bitch, my baby is going to have to have three first names and two last names. God damn it, Evangeline! Now come back over here so I can continue tonguing your ear.

McCain cancer-free, healthy....

but still an idiot.

"Bitches" don't always get what they want...

So Ms. Cocco, your carefully listed yet whiny complaints have reiterated the obvious cultural values of our generation...sexism is alive and well in public and in private – men (and women, too) bash powerful assertive women as “bitches,” women bash men as “lying cheating Neanderthals.” Public racism is now hyper-taboo (requiring repetitive mea culpas and extensive “treatment” should you violate it), but underground racism is still alive and well. For the record Ms. Cocco, gay-bashing is still on the fence, but by the next generation it’ll have moved to the same position as racism holds now.

Clueless and careless Hillary and her “campaign staff” wanted to get dirty and pushy from the very start. Unfortunately, Obama has had to spend more time addressing all the negative shit than addressing the issues, despite the fact that for the most part, he has been very very careful to keep his nose clean. As far as I’m concerned, Hillary et al. brought it all on themselves and it bit them in the ass. I’m not condoning sexism in general, but in this particular case, it got the job done.